Every couple of weeks, my brother, the arch-conservative, sends a mass-email to his list of contacts, including me. Normally it’s some mildly offensive libs vs conservative crap. I often delete the emails without reading them, because high blood pressure runs in the family.
Tonight I am getting over being sick, and am on plenty of Nyquil. So I took the time to read, then revise his original post, and… yikes, did I hit “reply all” to his list? So every friend he has knows he has a lefty liberal faggot brother? OMGLOL!!!11!
I have taken out the email addresses and cleaned it up a bit. My brothers post comes first. Mine follows.
(brothers mass email)
Sometimes a discussion takes on a whole new perspective when it is framed
in its proper context.
I got this from a friend and it is about as simple as it gets.
Conservative vs Liberal
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for
everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his
enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic are conservative, they see themselves as
independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government
protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.
(Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for
it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is
embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor
and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a
good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he’s “offended”.
(my reply)
FIFY:
If a liberal does not like guns, he does not buy them
If a conservative does not like a liberal, he threatens to shoot him.
Even when that liberal is the President.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he does not eat meat.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he wants to classify ketchup as a
vegetable in public school.
If a liberal sees a foreign enemy, he tries to negotiate and only uses
violence as a last resort.
If a conservative sees a foreign enemy, he sends the sons and
daughters of his constituents (the poorest, of course) to die in a
bloody war. He does not, of course, go himself.
If a liberal is a homosexual, he seeks the same rights and
responsibilities as everyone else.
If a conservative is a homosexual, he gets elected to office, votes to
deny aforementioned liberites, then has gay sex in an airport
bathroom.
If a black or hispanic man is liberal, he sees himself stopped and
harrassed by police for the color of his skin, or today in Louisiana,
denied a marriage license by a justice of the peace because “races
should not mix.”
If a black or hispanic man is conservative, he ignores Rush Limbaugh
referring to a football game as “the bloods and the crips on the
field, minus the weapons” and pretends he is not a joke among his
allies.
If a liberal is down and out, he still finds time to donate money or
effort to help those worse off.
If a conservative is down and out, he blames the illegals, blacks,
hispanics, the jews, or the gays. He also soaks all the unemployment
he can get because he won’t work at a job that is “beneath” him.
If a liberal does not like a talk show host, he does not patronize
their advertisers.
If a conservative does not like a talk show host, he encourages his
viewers to assassinate him.
If a liberal is a non-believer, he does not go to church.
If a conservative is a non-believer – oh who am I kidding. He wants
Evangelical Christianity the state religion. Not one of those
“foreign” ones like, I dunno, Native American mumbo-Jumbo. Morover, he
wants science taken out of public schools in favor of Creationism.
If a liberal needs health care, he bankrupts himself and his family -
even when he has insurance.
If a conservative needs health care, he attends a town-hall meeting
and screams for the “goverment to take their dirty hands off my
medicare.”
If a liberal slips and falls, he tries to make the area around him
safer for the next person.
If a conservative slips and falls, he blames the liberals for
installing handicapped access.
If a conservative reads an idiotic email, he will forward it to his
liberal friends to piss them off.
If a liberal reads one, he will be more energized than ever to work
against the absolute ignorant ass-hattery that is turning our nation
into a laughing stock.